


All I've Lost

by Laurensics



Category: We're Alive: Frontier, We’re Alive - A “Zombie” Story of Survival (Podcast)
Genre: Child Death, F/M, Medicine, Use of needles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 09:20:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14615124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurensics/pseuds/Laurensics
Summary: "My son would be the same age as Asher today." Bandaid asks Rai about her past and she decides to open up to him. One possibility for Rai's past, explored through her eyes. Spoilers for We're Alive: Frontier.





	All I've Lost

The days in the barn went slowly. Rai and Bandaid hid from the people of Osage and the Infected, took it in turns to bandage one another’s wounds and nap in what was left of the straw. They spoke little, mostly out of necessity, both lost in their own worlds- or what was left of them; until the third day. “Rai. What happened?” Bandaid asked, his voice hollow.

 

“I don’t even know.” Rai chuckled, a strained chuckle which was more of a gulp. “Cannibal crazies and some fucking good luck.” She looked to Bandaid and saw he was beginning to cry, one hand wiping tears from his eyes while the other ran rapidly through his hair- something he often did while stressed. Rai had no words, all she could do was move her body, gasping as she did; and put an arm around him. 

 

“Rai…” Bandaid began, looking for a nod of recognition before he continued, “I… I heard you talking about your son. You never told me what happened.”

 

Rai’s body tensed, the same silent tears rolling down her face. “I- I don’t know if I’m ready…” 

 

“It’s okay. You don’t need to tell me.” He replied quickly.

 

She breathed deeply and coughed, catching her breath. “I should tell you. If I die-”

 

“You won’t”

 

“ _ If  _ I die… I want you to keep this with you.”

 

“I’ll do my best. It’s all I can promise.”

 

“Okay.”

 

* * *

** 17 years ago **

 

It was 3 am when Rai’s mobile began to buzz, awakening her from a deep sleep- the first in months. The hospital. ‘We’re in the midst of an emergency’ the messages read, ‘all staff onsite immediately.’ She groaned, but obeyed, giving her husband a kiss on the cheek and checking on her toddler son. *I wonder what it is this time.* She thought, *Avian flu? Helicopter crash?* She jumped in her car and drove to the hospital, rubbing her eyes and drinking an instant coffee. As she drove downtown, she realised  _ something  _ was wrong. There were police cars, fire engines and ambulances littering the streets. Barricades had been placed, forcing her to take a detour, and she could see people behind the barricades shuffling as if they were in pain; she could hear them making inhuman shrieks and she could hear the sound of gunfire. She tried to ignore this as she made her way into the hospital parking lot. 

 

She quickly hurried from the car into the hospital, where true chaos greeted her. No one knew what was happening, the only information anyone knew was that people were becoming monsters and those that were bitten or maimed by those monsters were also changed. 

 

“Doctor!” An intern shouted to her while wheeling a gurney through the halls, “We’ve got four kids lined up for surgery.”

 

Rai put on a pair of gloves and shouted: “Bring them through!”

 

* * *

 

 

It was three full days until Rai could get home again. She tried to keep in contact through the phone, but the networks were often busy or blocked. She sat inside the break room trying desperately to contact her husband and eating a can of tuna from the back of the break room cupboard.

 

“You look like shit Rai.” Her colleague Wei Liu mentioned, himself not looking too neat, “Get home, get some sleep, we’ve got enough surgeons today.”

 

Rai laughed, a hollow sound, and took a swig from a bottle of Gatorade. “Are you serious?”

 

“Yes, go! While it’s still daylight.”

 

Rai sighed and stood up, swaying slightly as she did. She grabbed her duffle bag from her locker and stuffed her dirty scrubs inside. “Good luck.” She nodded to her colleague and walked swiftly to her car where she sat, the horrors of the last few days flashing through her mind: Parents pleading with her to save their children, children without parents, without anyone to care for them, in surgery for grievous wounds, children who were infected, children she couldn’t save. 

 

She slammed her fists against the steering wheel and swore loudly, hot tears running from her eyes. She felt like she was drowning in a spiral of stress and sickness. How could she keep doing this? It was hopeless. It was fucked up. She screamed, trying to hold herself together, and stuck her key in the ignition. She left the hospital and sped down the empty streets home, praying these ‘infected’ wouldn’t cross her path. 

 

She was lucky. 

 

She opened the door to their apartment and her son waddled over to her. “Mommy! Mommy!” He cried, wrapping his tiny arms around her leg. She tried to smile at him, then walked over to her husband. She pulled him into a tight hug and there they embraced, a family, finally together again. 

 

He looked at her, “Rai, honey…” He shook his head slightly and placed a kiss on her forehead, “Let’s get you to bed.”

 

“Shower first, please.” Rai asked, exhausted.

 

She showered as her husband put their son to bed, then they slept as best as they could, cuddling each other tightly- scared to let go of one another. They finally awoke to Rai’s buzzing phone at 5.30 in the morning. She sighed, leaning for the phone and he stopped her: “Honey, you don’t have to go.”

 

She tried to smile reassuringly, “I do. You don’t know, you haven’t seen-”

 

“No, Rai. We could take him and run, there’s got to be a way out of the city, we can find somewhere safe.” Her husband pleaded, “We can’t stay here.” 

 

“I can’t leave. Love, they need a doctor, people are dying.”

 

“We need you. He needs you.” Her spouse embraced her, laying his head on her shoulder.

 

Rai shook her head sadly, “I’m sorry. I’ll be back as soon as I can. Please, stay safe.”

 

“I’ll try.”

 

* * *

 

It was 11.30 pm, 18 hours later, when Rai got her first break. She hadn’t thought that things could get more horrifying, but somehow they had. A new piece of legislation, a new mandate: “All who have been in contact with infected must be euthanized.” They called it “Code Purple- Protection against the infected”

 

She was a pediatrician. She had made an oath to save lives, not end them, but that is what her job had become. It was a necessity, that’s what she tried to tell herself.

 

21 patients. 21 lives that would never be lived. Other lives had been lost, but these were different, these children could have been saved- but an infected got there first. She had to end their lives. The easiest way was to give them an overdose, but drugs were in very short supply. She tried to use them sparingly, numbing the child before ending their life.

 

18 hours and she had become a murderer. There was no other way to describe it. 

 

Her break was spent on the floor, unable to drink, unable to move, she was lost in grief and loathing, for the hospital, for the infected, and for herself. 

 

The doors to the children’s ward opened and she could barely react, it was so normal now, more and more children were piling in as the numbers of infected increased. She moved her legs, allowing the gurney to get through, and then she heard a familiar voice: “Mommy! MOMMY!” Her son screamed. 

 

Rai jumped up, unable to shout, and ran after the gurney. *Not my boy,* she thought, *Please anyone but him.* She followed it into a surgery room. 

 

“He’s been bitten.” A nurse called to a doctor, “It’s another Code Purple.”

 

Wei Liu responded, “Bring him in.”

 

Rai finally found a voice, “No. NO!” She screamed, surprising both the doctor and nurse. “Please, don’t. It’s my son!”

 

“We have to.” The young nurse said, their voice shaking, “I don’t want to do this either.” They left, leaving Wei and Rai in there with her son. His little body was broken and battered, bite marks on his arms and torso and burn marks on his hands. His leg stuck out at an unnatural angle and he was barely conscious. Rai grabbed him in an embrace, “Honey, please, darling, you mean the world to me.” She was openly sobbing, screams punctuating her sobs, “This isn’t real, this can’t be real.” She repeated continually. 

 

Wei looked at her with pity, a hand on her shoulder in support. “Rai, would you like to do this?” He asked softly, his own voice shaking. She nodded, giving her toddler, her baby, a kiss on the forehead. She stood up on shaky legs and moved to ready the injection. “Quickly. I know this is hard, but we don’t know when he was infected.” She nodded and swallowed a sob, flicking the needle. Wei found a vein, “Ready.” He said. 

 

Memories ran through Rai’s head, a pain settling in her chest as she looked at the tiny boy, not yet three, who had not yet lost a tooth, who still needed to wear nappies at night, and who now died to monsters.  *This is my fault,* she thought, *I should have been there.* The baby kicked, a scream emitting from his mouth, unnatural, foul. Rai panicked. She stood, frozen in a state of sheer panic, as her toddler leapt for her colleague. 

 

The young boy bit the doctor repeatedly, screaming and kicking. His face contorted as he cried. “Rai!” Wei called, “The injection, he’s gone Rai! Give him the injection, please!” She took a deep breath as her survival instinct kicked in and she plunged the needle deep into her baby’s arm. He let out one more guttural roar as Wei put the boy back on the gurney. 

 

Rai stared at the needle, still sticking out of her son’s arm, in a state of pure shock. “Rai, Rai- look at me.” Wei said, his voice strangely calm. “You need to kill me. Now. Get a 50 mL needle. Fill it with air.” She continued to stare back at him. “Don’t you hear me? Do it!” He cried. She yelped, then did as she was asked and handed the needle to Wei. 

 

He looked up at her. “I can inject myself, but Rai, please let me tell you this. Don’t hesitate. If you decide to do something stick to it, do it quickly and get it done.” Rai nodded and put a hand out to meet his. He shook her hand, “Now leave quickly and raise the alarm.”

 

Rai nodded and ran from the room, “They’re dead.” she quietly mentioned to a nurse. She took her duffle bag from the break room and entered the elevator. She wasn’t going back. She could never go back.

* * *

** Present Day **   


 

Rai came out of her reverie, her voice hoarse and tears streaming from her eyes. She looked up at Bandaid, lifting her head from his lap where it had rested during her story, his face was red and also tear stained. “I’m so sorry Rai.” He said softly, “I am so fucking sorry.” She nodded in reply and he hugged her tighter. They sat in an embrace until dusk, when Bandaid pulled some water from his pack for them both.

 

“Rai, you never said what happened to your husband.” Bandaid said, a hint of curiosity in his voice.

 

“That’s another story, one for another time.” Rai replied, her lips moving into a thin line. “You know, it’s bullshit, we have to work and scramble to live another day. This world, it doesn’t ask permission for the things it takes, it just takes and takes. Fuck!” She exclaimed, her side bursting with pain. She collapsed back onto the floor; Bandaid making her a makeshift pillow from hay. 

 

“Sleep Rai, I’ll be right here when you wake.” He said, brushing a hand over her face.

 

“You better be. All I’ve lost, can’t lose you too.” She replied, trying to joke but failing dismally.

 

“I will be.”

 

* * *

**10 years earlier**

 

Rai had been making her money as a gun for hire. She had dodged the draft where possible, she couldn’t go back into medicine. It was easier to kill those you didn’t know, those who were infected or just bad people. She had been looking for one of those, a man providing medical services then extorting his patients for all they had. _Scum._

 

One thing stood in her way, however, a pack of infected roaming the streets of the inner city, five in number. She perched herself on a balcony of a nearby apartment building and looked through her scope. It was like shooting fish in a barrel. _Shot!_ One down. _Bang!_ Two down. She went for the third and her heart stopped. His eyes were milky, his clothes were bedraggled and he was dotted purple, but his hair, his features- he was her husband. 

 

She let out a small gasp of confusion and surprise. _How could it be her husband? How could he have survived so long as an infected?_ He looked up at her and gave her a snarl. Her love was long gone. “I’m sorry.” She murmured as she pulled the trigger and the last remnants of her husband were lost to time, disease and her bullet.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to thank Ivan, Anjali, Xander and the rest of the cast for making characters and a world which we can connect to as fans. The decision not to name Rai's son or husband was intentional, as we don't know their names. I thank you for reading this and appreciate the time you've spent doing so, thank you!


End file.
